All I want is you.

There are some things that I am extremely passionate about. I believe that I do, however, hold back in speaking of them. Maybe I'm afraid of admitting my own huge dreams because I'm afraid of not being accepted and people telling me that it's something ridiculous to chase after. But in all reality, is any dream really ridiculous? A dream is a dream and we should all try to accomplish whatever we want to in life.

Personally, that includes music. You may think me stupid, you may think me silly, but you know what? I love music. It plays a part in my life every day in some way. I always see or hear beats, I operate off of a beat set within my mind. It's constantly there. Sometimes there is this huge feeling that swells up in me. Up to my chest, and my chest tightens and I keep my mouth shut because I know what would be said if I opened it.

I would say:

"This is what I want to do. I don't care what any of you say because it is what I want and what I want is important to me, isn't it? I should strive to please myself, not others and if that includes me setting aside a million and one things, so be it."

But you see, the way I am is that I never want to make people uncomfortable or upset or displeased with me in any way. But that is a part of life and I suppose in time I'll accept it and overcome it. Right now? I'm just trying to get myself figured out. At 19. Go figure.

But when I hear a piano playing, when I hear a guitar being strummed, when I hear words coming out of a pretty mouth, a violin echoing in my ears... this, this is what makes me so calm. More calm than anything in the entire world could. Music is my escape, my life. People do not understand this and musicians... well, I get the idea that they think I'm stupid and that I wouldn't make it or something. I know I can make it if I try hard enough to. But this would never be about being famous or anything. This is about what I like to do, what I am passionate about and what I want to accomplish in life.

If other people get in the way, well, I suppose I'd have to deal with that when it comes, right? Right. I just can never really find the words to describe how music effects me so, how some songs just make me want to do this crazy, crazy thing and it just moves me to want to do better. I just can't describe it. Let's just say I'm as passionate about music as I am about being a vegetarian. That is saying a lot.

With a little more work, a little more patience, just a little more... just a tad bit more, I'll be ready. I'll be ready to spread my wings and fly and become what I want to be. I know that I can do it.

I can do anything I set my mind to. My mom tells me that all the time. My dad, not so much. He doesn't think that what I want to do is the best. Either that or he just thinks I can't do it. Or maybe it is both. What happened to having faith in your children and encouraging them in what they want to succeed in? I'm just thankful I have my mom's full support. Thanks, mom.

Sometimes I think stressful situations motivate me more. When my dad was married to this one woman once, I was writing more songs like crazy. Only because this woman made my life literal hell. Abusing me mentally, emotionally. It's just as bad as physical. But everything I wrote then was usually dark and depressing, but I always had a certain flow to the lyrics. Like they came more easily. Now that my life is calmer and more I-flow-freely, I struggle with writing something decent. Every now and then I'm hit by a random spurt of inspiration and they just roll off my tongue(or should I say out of my pen?).

Anyway... that is all for now. It is 3:30 AM and I need to get some sleep.

Goodnight, moon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twk0_IhqvvA