You know that I could use somebody.

I love you. I miss you. I hate you. You lied. I lied. We all lied. You ruined me. You ruined my view on love.

We could all always say something, blame people for things over an amount of time, but really we are the ones responsible for what opinion we come to on something. We are responsible for our own mistakes, etc., etc.. Although I will say this, sometimes there are other people to blame. I won't torture you with some kind of story of my past or whatever they are called. Because it doesn't matter anymore. It's in the past. It's time to step forward and just forget about it all completely. I've done a good job of it so far, I think. Now I just need to let it all go completely. Though there is one thing that I can't really forget about and that is what happened to me in 2008, but I won't bore any of you with talks of that either.

I have come to find that there is another escape for me other than playing my guitar. Last night I was feeling a bit down and I started listening to music and I turned the volume up all the way on my laptop with my earbuds in my ears and just listened to the music. Now some of you would be like, "That would hurt my ears.", it didn't mine. I can't even explain it, so I'm just going to stop trying to.

I've come to find that I'm kind of getting attached to someone. Two people, actually, although one... there feels like... I don't even know. I sometimes have difficulty explaining how things, people, everything makes me feel.

Also... something else I want to talk about. I know people say that you have to believe in yourself to be great. To think you're great to be great or whatever. But there are just SOME people that drive me nuts. This one person I know just seems to think she is "all that" and it's so annoying. I'm glad I don't talk to her anymore. But then there are people who are great. YOU are great. There is no denying it. You may think that you aren't, but you are. At least, I think you are. Does that matter? Probably not. My opinion never really matters, haha.

But I look at all these people who are doing something, making something of themselves and as much as I try, I can't get where I want to be. It seems impossible for me. I think that most of it is based off of my fear that I don't know if ten or fifteen years, if I'll be alive or not(it's a long story and I'm not going to explain, just take the information and go with the flow.). I think that I just want to make something of myself before I die. I think that really, I want to be remembered. But in a good way. I want people to remember me for being a good person, for accomplishing everything I set my mind to. Not this person who spent every day sitting on the couch in her mother's house, surfing the web. No. That's not who I want to be.

Time to change, Jessica.

Always attract.

I don't know how to describe it. It's so weird, really. How can you feel the slightest attraction to someone you've never even met in real life? It's such a weird thing, really. The way you can feel a certain emotion towards someone by reading something they say to you. Is it strange? I don't think it is, really.

What about for those of you who have met someone once and keep contact with them and then you feel an attraction of some sort to them? I don't even know, honestly. What is the point of this blog post? I don't know that either. I'm just kind of letting it flow, really.

Rise up, you are what I live for.
Blinking sleepily, in a new world.
What is this? This feeling?
I thought that love was impossible for me.

I've felt it, you know. Love. People always misjudge, they always say, "Oh, you're young. You don't know what love is.", but, in fact, I actually do. You don't get it. None of you do. I may be "young", according to some people, but that doesn't mean I'm daft in everything. I mean, come on. I may not be able to comprehend big words or multiply and long divide, but I am smart in some ways. I believe and know that I am. But, back on topic. Attraction and love. You see, I've liked quite a few guys so far. I think my first that I ever felt something strong for... well, I never told him. The second pretty much screwed me over, so. I've been hurt quite a bit by people, not just in love and relationships, mind you. I've had people betray me, I've had people judge me-- but, hey. That's life, right? Right. We all have to deal with it. There is no way to avoid it. Of course, unless you cut off internet, telephones and lock your doors and windows constantly and have someone deliver food for you that is pushed through some little door so that you don't have to open any doors and you just live at home all the time, alone. With maybe a few cats. A hermit. Ha.

I fear it the most, that feeling of being alone.
Insecurities deprive me of what I deserve.
Of what I believe.

Though I always feel completely ridiculous for getting attached to people, even if it's via internet. It's stupid, for the most part. Why get attached to someone who lives many states away when you have no money to go and see them? Why get attached to someone who lives overseas when, if you don't have money for states then why would you have money for overseas? I don't understand myself sometimes. I confuse myself all the time with my own reasonings, then I realize, "Yes, Jessica, that was lame. That was stupid. Don't believe that.".

I want you, only you.
Hold me, love me.

I don't need a relationship, but it seems that life operates in this kind of way. You wake up, you eat, you go to work, you chat with co-workers, you kiss up to the boss, you pay bills, you mow your lawn. Meet someone new, go out, fall in love, get your heart broken-- it's a constant cycle, really. Only the lucky ones get to actually settle down and be happy for forever. Everyone else? They get married and hate the marriage. I've seen three marriages fall apart right before my eyes. Of course, the first one was ok, understandable, when I was eight I didn't like it, but that's just life. The second marriage? Yeah, the guy was horrible and didn't treat anybody right. My mom had every right to divorce him. The third one? Yeah, that one was ok too. For it to fall apart, I mean. She laid in the bed, ordered other people around, made everybody else feel lousy about themselves while she laid in bed, consuming junk food and doped up on pain medication. But it seems that this is how life operates. You see so many people work hard, meet someone, get married, get divorced, have kids, start over, etc., etc.. Why don't people try something different for once or does it make them feel insecure to step outside of their boundaries for once?

I'm not exactly sure what point I'm trying to get across at all. I'm confusing even myself.

I would like to revolve solely around you.
You are my world, but can I be your sun?

I want to say that I don't need love, but, let's face it, every hopless romantic needs a little bit of it, right? Though the things that hopeless romantic's dream about hardly ever come true. I will never have someone throw pebbles at my window and take me off to some secluded, beautiful place with candles surrounding everywhere and a moonlit dinner. I will never have someone randomly show up at my front door with a dozen(or more?) red roses. I will never lay under the stars, fingers laced with someone else's while we whisper words quietly beneath the stars-- No. That doesn't really happen. It's all pretend. It's all make believe. Like Peter Pan.

Can you hear me now, whispering for you?
I am afraid of my own voice.
I can't bring myself to tell you...

Love. Such a funny thing to discuss. I could have talked about Oprah or Barak Obama or Lady GaGa or how Britney Spears just DOESN'T GIVE UP, but, alas, here I am, the hopeless romantic, talking about love. Of course.

I want to take that risk with you.
For you.
Always for you.

xo.

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
Je veux ton amour

All I want is you.

There are some things that I am extremely passionate about. I believe that I do, however, hold back in speaking of them. Maybe I'm afraid of admitting my own huge dreams because I'm afraid of not being accepted and people telling me that it's something ridiculous to chase after. But in all reality, is any dream really ridiculous? A dream is a dream and we should all try to accomplish whatever we want to in life.

Personally, that includes music. You may think me stupid, you may think me silly, but you know what? I love music. It plays a part in my life every day in some way. I always see or hear beats, I operate off of a beat set within my mind. It's constantly there. Sometimes there is this huge feeling that swells up in me. Up to my chest, and my chest tightens and I keep my mouth shut because I know what would be said if I opened it.

I would say:

"This is what I want to do. I don't care what any of you say because it is what I want and what I want is important to me, isn't it? I should strive to please myself, not others and if that includes me setting aside a million and one things, so be it."

But you see, the way I am is that I never want to make people uncomfortable or upset or displeased with me in any way. But that is a part of life and I suppose in time I'll accept it and overcome it. Right now? I'm just trying to get myself figured out. At 19. Go figure.

But when I hear a piano playing, when I hear a guitar being strummed, when I hear words coming out of a pretty mouth, a violin echoing in my ears... this, this is what makes me so calm. More calm than anything in the entire world could. Music is my escape, my life. People do not understand this and musicians... well, I get the idea that they think I'm stupid and that I wouldn't make it or something. I know I can make it if I try hard enough to. But this would never be about being famous or anything. This is about what I like to do, what I am passionate about and what I want to accomplish in life.

If other people get in the way, well, I suppose I'd have to deal with that when it comes, right? Right. I just can never really find the words to describe how music effects me so, how some songs just make me want to do this crazy, crazy thing and it just moves me to want to do better. I just can't describe it. Let's just say I'm as passionate about music as I am about being a vegetarian. That is saying a lot.

With a little more work, a little more patience, just a little more... just a tad bit more, I'll be ready. I'll be ready to spread my wings and fly and become what I want to be. I know that I can do it.

I can do anything I set my mind to. My mom tells me that all the time. My dad, not so much. He doesn't think that what I want to do is the best. Either that or he just thinks I can't do it. Or maybe it is both. What happened to having faith in your children and encouraging them in what they want to succeed in? I'm just thankful I have my mom's full support. Thanks, mom.

Sometimes I think stressful situations motivate me more. When my dad was married to this one woman once, I was writing more songs like crazy. Only because this woman made my life literal hell. Abusing me mentally, emotionally. It's just as bad as physical. But everything I wrote then was usually dark and depressing, but I always had a certain flow to the lyrics. Like they came more easily. Now that my life is calmer and more I-flow-freely, I struggle with writing something decent. Every now and then I'm hit by a random spurt of inspiration and they just roll off my tongue(or should I say out of my pen?).

Anyway... that is all for now. It is 3:30 AM and I need to get some sleep.

Goodnight, moon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twk0_IhqvvA